I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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