Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
