I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
