if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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