my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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