I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
