if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
