Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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