We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You're like the curious george of whores
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
