never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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