So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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