Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
