I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
