Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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