I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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