I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
