I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
