so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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