I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Ketchup is God's man juice
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
