I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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