How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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