Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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