I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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