I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
