Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
