"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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