Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
