I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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