Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
