if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
