In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
