Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
