Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize