You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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