Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
