I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
