My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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