someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
