Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
