I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
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i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found puke in my bra..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
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you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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