is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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