I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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