If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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