I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
