What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
