Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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