im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
