I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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