ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
