seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
