and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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