the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
