You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
