so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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