Umm I'm too high to move.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
