Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i came on her dog
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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