didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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