The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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